“Hey Shorty fat potato”

This moment, the one I had been dreading…

But now it is here. 

I wish I could melt away in the laughter streak that ensued…just moments after.

It was my time to go up on the stage and present. My gut was twitching and twisting inside. 

56 people in front of me. Not one was a friend. Strangers in uniform.

“Hey Shortie fat potato”

My heart dropped. And my confidence got lost in the giggles.

I told myself that this is usual and that I was more than this. I took a deep breath and presented. 

I DID IT!

But not without the anxiousness that kept howling at me all through those moments I was in the same room as the ones who mocked me. 

I came back home and went straight to my room. My mother noticed. At times, I felt that this would have become so normal for her. And my heart gave me a kick inside, “but hey..why me…”

Upon entering the room, my eyes fell on the dress mom had put out for me to wear to my cousin’s birthday party. I kept it aside, having no intention of going through the same ordeal twice in a single day. 

But mom being mom, she convinced me. 

We arrived at the party much earlier. Slowly the hall started filling up with people. Laughing and jumping kids. Beautiful aunties wearing beautiful dresses. Younger women in groups gossiping away. 

I looked down, at the glass of watermelon juice and wondered if I could ever belong to such groups. If I could ever have friends and a smile on my face throughout. 

Just then my mom came to introduce a distant relative of mine. Kamal aunty. 

I smiled (and wished to disappear) as she quite loudly emphasized my name and said hello. 

I knew something was coming…

“What are you studying Nicole?”

“I am in 10th standard aunty,” I said.

“Oh, so you do have time in your hands. Or do you waste away your time studying, eating, and sleeping? I tell you.. kids these days do not do any sort of physical exercise. This is why you have put on so much weight and have gained no height.” She let out a high-pitched laughter. Others followed her suite. 

My eyes met my mom’s. She knew.

The ride back home was quiet. Two instances in one day. It was way too much for me to handle. 

The moment I stepped inside, I went inside my room. Mom tried to stop me, maybe she wanted to calm me down. But she knew deep inside how difficult it had become for me lately to even talk about the same things again and again. With no hope, in the hindsight. 

The thing was – I had tried doing everything. Exercising, Gymming, Yoga, Diet control. In fact, at that point, I was on diet control and I used to exercise. But nothing seemed to work. 

It was like time has stopped. No amount of effort I put to lose this weight was of any use. My anxiety was slowly turning into something darker. 

Hollow!

That’s how I felt. As if the entire world was on the other side from where I was standing.  

I hated - my swollen knees, my large cheeks, stomach, and flabby arms. I hated the way I looked. 

I hated the fact that my efforts were all in vain. 

I had removed all the mirrors. Instead, I had diet and exercise charts up on these walls.

I was sure that these walls were also laughing at me. ‘Look what happens when you replace us with something that is not desired…’

I cried. Bitterly. I didn’t even know when my silent cries turned into howls and then sobs. 

When I woke up, I saw my mother carefully caressing my face. She planted a kiss on my cheeks and slowly whispered, “Let’s get you some help.”

That day was the turning point of my life.

I changed. Physically, yes – a journey to be shared some other time. But I changed to be who I am today.

Confident in my skin. Optimistic in my heart.

That one ‘hope’ that my mother whispered to me changed my life. 

If only, it was spoken more. 

If only, for some, spoken earlier, when there’s still a point of return!

Note: 

In the moments when I suffered, I would be lying if I said I never considered ending it all.  I did. Multiple times. But every time the thought crossed my mind, I got to hold someone who would make me believe that there’s still more to look forward to. I was lucky. I still am. But not everyone else is.

Despite progress in many countries, people with mental health issues and conditions keep facing severe human rights violations, discrimination, and stigma. In fact, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-29-year-olds. 

There’s a need for people struggling with these issues to be heard, and feel seen and understood. At Eunoia, you will have a chance to write your emotions out. To get in touch with your feelings and really talk about what is distressing you. While we do understand that this requires more than just a ‘penning-it-all-down’ approach, at least it is a beginning.